HELLOOOOOO FRIENDS! It is I, Hondo Ohnaka, businessman and sometimes pirate extraordinaire! Perhaps you have heard of me and my legendary exploits – battling Sithy Lords and clanking generals, running an honorable enterprise in the Outer Rum, throwing great parties for my Jedi friends! One time, I even rescused Jedi kiddies who were in trouble, swooping in to save the day in glorious fashion when they fell under attack by…
Ummmmm Hondo, it’s me, The Imperial Talker. I thought I would interrupt you and remind you that you were actually the one who attacked the Jedi kids and put them in harms way.
WHAT!?!?! Oh how dare you accuse me of such horrific crimes! You will pay for such insolence, Imp….
Time out, did you just say I am being insolent? Because that is exactly what Darth Maul accused you of that time on Florrum. Remember, he called you insolent and you said you didn’t know what that word meant because you are a pirate?
Ahhhh I see that you have been following my glorious exploits Mr. Talker! I knew you were the right person to write tear-jerking poetry about me for Haikondoesday! Tell me, what grandiness of mine have you captured in syllabical fashion!?!?!
Well, one haiku…
AHEM!
Sorry, one “haikondo” is references that time you raided a village on Felucia and tried to…
My my look at the time Mr. Imperial! It is time your readers get to reading about the wonders of Hondo. It is also time I go find my dear friend Bridger and encourage him to join me on another fun-filled and not dangerous at all adventure! Oh, and Mr. The Talker I will bill you later for using my name to promote “Haikondoesday.”
Wait a minute!!!! I didn’t coin that! You just did! What the heck…he just ignored me and walked out. Ugh, whatever, I’m going to get a drink. Here are some Haiku about Hondo Ohnaka.
Wonderful Weequay.
One hell of a gentleman.
Hondo Ohnaka.
He isn’t as young
as he used to be, but he’s
certainly older.
Insolent Hondo.
HAHA! He is a pirate!
INSOLENT!?!?! HAHA!
Stories he could tell,
some of them are even true!
Legends of Hondo.
Morally neutral.
No, morally self-serving.
That’s how Hondo roles.
Scene – planet Florrum:
Hondo tortures two Jedi.
But we still love him.
Scene – on Felucia:
Hondo attacks some farmers.
But we still love him.
Scene – in outer space:
Hondo threatens Jedi kids.
But we still love him.
Scene – planet Florrum:
Hondo is a drug dealer.
But we still love him.
Scene – on Felucia:
“Die Jedi scum,” he exclaims!
But we still love him.
Scene – in outer space:
He tries to kill Jedi kids.
But we still love him.
Scene – on Onderon:
Hondo is an arms dealer.
But we still love him.
Scene – planet Florrum:
Hondo drugs two Jedi Knights.
But we still love him.
Scene – Drazkel System:
He tries to buy a Jedi.
But we still love him.
Here is my question:
Hondo does lots of bad shit…
why do we love him?
It’s his good looks, right?
His legendary exploits?
Perhaps his wisdom.
One hostage is good.
Two are better. And three, well
that’s just good business.
More of his brilliance:
Speak softly, drive a big tank.
Teddy would be proud.
Soft spot for children,
like the youngling Katooni.
Wit captures his heart.
Ezra and Hondo,
Brothers of the Broken Horn.
Adventures galore.
Ezra lies to him.
Hondo is a proud father.
Children learn so fast.
Reklam Station heist.
Stealing Y-Wings with Rebels.
And his Ugnaught pals.
The Ohnaka Gang.
Devious and deceitful.
But mostly stupid.
Maybe we love him
for all of his grandeur and
magnanimity.
I like that Hondo
has an actual flying
saucer as a ship.
Describing his ship:
silvery and round, and it
spins and spins and spins!
Perhaps it’s his sense
of honor, the pirate code
he sometimes follows.
A Sith Lord captured.
Epic fight: cannons, blasters,
glowy thing, voom-voom.
Hondo and Aurra
sitting in a tree, K-I-
S-S-I-N-G.
All the ladies love
Ohnaka, all the men too.
He is so handsome!
If I had to guess,
I’d bet that Maz and Hondo…
…imagine the rest.
Looking for advice?
The Partisan Cantina
runs Hondo’s column.
Ahsoka doesn’t
want to hurt Hondo and he
appreciates that.
Pirate and Jedi.
Ohnaka and Kenobi.
I think they were friends.
Jedi love Hondo!
He is always helping them!
Such a thoughtful guy.
Scavenging downed ships,
a special past time of his.
Find him on Jakku.
Hondo and Solo.
No doubt they met at some point.
Where is that story???
The Book of Hondo,
No! The Gospel of Hondo!
Sagacious Weequay.
Hondo on Florrum,
Brilliant and wise and sexy,
Hallowed be thy name.
Why do we love him?
We love him because he is
Hondo Ohnaka!
Haikuesday is a monthly series on The Imperial Talker, a new post with poetic creations coming on the first Tuesday of each month. The haiku topic is chosen by voters on Twitter so be sure to follow @ImperialTalker so you can participate in the voting. Now, check out these past Haikuesday posts:
Droids (February 2017)
Ahsoka Tano (March 2017)
Darth Vader (April 2017)
The Battle of Scarif (May 2017)
The Truce at Bakura (June 2017)
Queen Amidala (July 2017)
Ryloth (August 2017)
Cloud City (September 2017)
General Grievous (October 2017)
Millennium Falcon (November 2017)
Poe Dameron (December 2017)
The Battle of Umbara (January 2018)
The Imperial Talker 
Perhaps he will show up in the Solo movie! 😉
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That would be spectacular! I mean, it probably won’t happen BUT it would certainly be nice if he did.
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What I love most about this is how you outline just how many horrible things Hondo does…but we still seem to love him! That’s such an interesting dynamic to a character like this. Sure he does some semi-decent things here or there but – by and large – he’s not a good guy. Yet we’re intrigued. I remember meeting him for the first time on ‘The Clone Wars’ and not liking him. Like AT ALL. I thought he was horrible! A straight, if smooth-talking, villain for sure! Yet he’s so passionately embraced by so many people. This has always fascinated me.
Also, I love how you got Hondo to sell you the use of his name for Haikondoesday. I bet it was worth whatever price you had to pay.
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My Comical Acquaintance, this is Hondo! I have been gifted the keys to Mr. Talker’s account so as to respond to you! Just, ya know, don’t tell our Talkie friend.
Not a good guy! Did you not know that it was I who saved the good people of Onderon!?!? Swooping into battle on my chariot I delivered rockets to destroy the vile droids. And I only took but a small payment, something to cover the cost of my selfless act. Not a good guy you say, and yet here I am telling you about how good I am and you don’t even need to compensate me for my time. Go, talk to young Ezra and he will tell you how good I am! Or find Kenobi (he is still alive, I know where he is and will tell you for a small price) and he will tell you of my goodedness.
I leave you with this wisdom from dear mama:
“Son, if you rob and steal and kidnap people will call you bad, but if you are good at those things then you are actually a good guy!”
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Ummmmm….would we call it “selfless” if you’re taking a “small payment” for it? Maybe I’m losing something in the Weequay translation.
Anyway, while you’re bouncing around a certain Talker’s site, maybe you can do me a favor? I’ve been trying to get him to start watching this brilliant show – ‘Doctor Who’ – but he won’t have anything to do with it! If you could help persuade him to start I could see a “small payment” coming along by way of a thank you. Let me know.
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Awesome haiku! XD I loved that introduction!
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Glad you enjoyed it!
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This… this is beautiful. A work of art! Hondo is the definition of misunderstood, but kind of not at the same time. Honestly, I’m just waiting for a movie starring Kenobi and Hondo. That would be amazing!
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Thanks so much! I’d love to see Kenobi and Hondo together again as well. Perhaps one day!
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